Back to Bennington

Dear Lovely Readers,

Yesterday I returned from Bennington College in Southern Vermont and was driven right back into the hostile atmosphere of my apartment in the Northern Bronx.  I come through the door and said hello to my mother who's only response was to stop ringing the bell.  I pressed the ringer downstairs in the lobby many times so the sound could, with each turn, reach my mother's ear until she heard it and apparently she was annoyed by that.  I tried again saying hello and she responded, this time, relaxed by saying Hola, como le fue? which means, in the Spanish: "Hi, how did it go?"

For some reason, as I settled my bags on the floor and my clothes in their corresponding drawers, I suddenly felt tired and felt that I did not want to speak anymore, so I stopped talking letting my mother digest everything I had just told her.  A few seconds later, my mothers ask's me, "So what did they tell you?"  Broad question, right?  I stood still and thought of the best way to ask her to clarify what she mean.  "Mami, what do you mean" I asked as calm as possible.  And her face dropped to a frown.  She inhaled and in an instant, the air around us became tight and warm.  "What do you mean, what I mean?  What did they tell you?"  All I wanted her to do was clarify her question and she failed to do so.  Instead, she answered in an hostile manner that made my blood pressure rise and I answered, this time speaking a little louder, "I MEAN, what do you want to know?  They told me a lot of things. What specifically do you want to know?"  I said this with my arms in the air, trying to let my words be emphasized by my hand movements.  She looked down, stood quiet and emitted a soft, "nothing."

Arguments like these always occur between my mother and I at all times of day.  There is never peace under this roof and there is no space between us so I feel like I am suffocating constantly.  The suffocation I feel and the suffocation she probably feels makes us both angry and we unleash our anger on each other daily.  The argument, thus, ruined the good feeling inside me that had engendered itself while I was up in Bennington College.

Bennington College has changed drastically since I was last up there earlier in the year.  The incoming freshman class is like a flavorful spice that had been added to bland food.  Their so energetic, vibrant, exciting, and colorful.  Earlier in the year there were hardly any men on campus, but now there are tons of them and cute ones too.  I was partnered up with a student named Toby, who was going to be my room mate for the night.  I am glad to have been partnered up with him.  He shares the same passions I have, like writing and literature.  On his desk was a huge piece of paper filled with tiny little letters that dictated and showed him what was on and what he needed to include in his 100 page epic poem.  Seeing it inspired me.  The picture above is the house in which Toby's room was located- the house is called Merck.

Members of the freshman class also seem a little pompous.  I was speaking with a few freshman and they were all preppy kids from wealthy families who could not stop talking trash about other students.  I do not want to be part of that kind of environment, but I guess there is no escaping it since I will find groups like that at any college I attend.

If everything goes wrong with the college process, and if Bennington accepts me, I will most likely come here.  Bennington isn't at all, bad- it's just that no one has ever heard of this college before.  W.H. Auden and Bernard Malamud taught here and the current American ambassador to Saudi Arabia teaches here as well, according to a student.  All classes are discussion- based and their is a tight relationship between students and teachers.  There is also this Field Work Term program that exists at Bennington.  It is a program that runs from December through January that let's students do any type of project they want to do.  Students can go abroad or anywhere in the country and do volunteer work.  The Student Life office helps out with obtaining grants and other things.  Each student has an advisor who helps them plan their education at Bennington and almost every student at Bennington knows one another.  Bennington is a pretty cool place and if I went here, I'd probably be happy.  I just want to see if I will get into schools like Brown, Wesleyan, Carleton or Vassar and visit them before making any decision.

Anyway, besides all the great stuff Bennington College has- Vermont is a beautiful place.  The college is surrounded by green.  After I arrived and ate on Monday I went exploring and took pictures which you will see on here. I had a really great time.

Governor Sarah Palin is an idiot

Hello there.  In the last entry I mentioned a clip from an interview that Palin had with Katie Couric in which Palin discusses her foreign policy.  When this was aired on NBC Nightly News I simply gasped at the television wondering how and why the American people are letting Palin be a possible candidate.  In simple words, she is stupid.  Here is that clip...

Just listen to her. "Our next door neighbors are foreign countries, there in the state that I am the executive of.."  What the fuck?  And "from Alaska that we send those out to make sure... an eye is being kept, on this powerful nation, Russia because they are right there, they are right next to uh, to our state"  Well, no shit Sherlock.  Why does an eye have to be kept over Russia?  How would the American Government feel if another nation said they must keep an eye on the United States?  It is infuriating how this country see's itself superior than other nations and feel like they have the right to "keep an eye" on or punish someone else.  No other country can ever punish the United States, no one can tell the government what to do.  Ugh.

Settling Down & Politics

For the past two to three weeks, I have been the most stressed that I have ever been this year.  As September walked in, I promised myself that I would keep things together and attempt to get through everything I needed to accomplish such as assistant teaching, Francais, interning, working, doing homework, weaving a college list, writing college essay's, and applying for scholarships.  I thought I had enough time, but it turned out not to be so.  Everyday, I arrived home from school tired and worn out and would just use the rest of my energy to talk with friends.  Working a lot made me feel disconnected.  As I struggled with all the crap I had to do, I longed to talk to a peer.

Being overwhelmed with work also touched the surface of my mood and shattered it completely, engendering a whole different Anthony.  I became stubborn, walked through the hallways and streets with malevolence, and had zero tolerance for people who would waste precious time.  I was so stressed!  The sudden change of anti- depressant medication also disturbed the flow of things within my brain causing in me a sullenness that was difficult to bear.  I hate the fact that I become so anxious and frustrated.  I was frustrated with how I was living and how I had handled previous things... I shouldn't say "I was frustrated..." I still am actually.

Anyway, I was able to endure coming out of the dense gray cloud with a bruise and minor cuts and I have turned my attention to trying to pace myself.  Just a couple of minutes ago, I completed a second draft of my college essay after weeks of writing essay's that covered different candidate topics and I feel more proud of myself.  It is really disappointing that the college essay has to be so sort.  There is nothing wrong with succinctness or condensation, but I just had so much to say as I am sure everyone does.  My essay topic is on writing and how it has made me the individual I am today.  It is a common topic, but it is what I can do and what I am passionate about.

Moving on...

I have been frustrated with the current events in the world and the presidential election.  First off, tensions continue to rise each day between the United States and the Russian Federation and I feel Washington is on it's way to provoking World War 3.  After Russian forces defended South Ossetia from the Georgian army, the United States quickly went ahead to offer a spot for Georgia in NATO.  Washington does not give a fuck about Georgia or "territorial sovereignty."   Washington wants to bring Medvedev and Putin down- that's it, thus surrounding Russia with NATO members so the Russians could stand down.  Be aware that under Article Five, NATO "guarantees mutual defense, promising a 'one for all, all for one' military response should any member be attacked.  So if Russia attacks Georgia again after it tries to recapture South Ossetia, NATO will bomb the Federation and then, the world is done.

Russia was simply protecting it's citizen's in South Ossetia and Abkhazia- they did NOT invade Georgia.  We then have Bush, McCain and even Obama saying that Russia must be punished.  Obama didn't really say that, but he was viewing the situation as everyone else was.  Bush has no right to tell anyone what to do.  He has no right to punish anyone at all.  Can anyone punish the United States?  Can the United Nations impose sanctions against America's illegal occupation of Iraq and embargo of Cuba? No.  Must America destroy it's nuclear weapons? No.  But Iran has to stop it's nuclear program and Russia "must be punished."   Something is definitely wrong with this country especially after polls in favor of McCain and Palin rose in the last couple of weeks.  Palin is a redneck and she knows nothing.  She comes from a city hall the size of a diner and isn't sophisticated at all.   She says her foreign policy is Alaska's proximity to Russia.  Is she crazy?  She never met a foreign dignitary until this week here in New York City for the UN Assembly.  That woman is terrible and is simply a monster.  McCain is about to die anyway and if that does occur, Palin will become President and at that second, America will become trash.  I am deeply saddened by the fact that I cannot vote in this year's election.  If YOU can vote, get your ass to the voting booths on November 3rd and make a wise decision.  The future the Republican Party has in store for America is not a good one.  The Democratic Party has the chance of doing some change, but please Obama reel yourself back in, you can't change everything.  The United States isn't a monarchy, but a "democracy."  I am really not sure what this nation is.  I am not sure how the US is a democracy when the citizens themselves do not elect their President, but the electoral college.  The government doesn't trust the people?  What ever happened to "For the People, By the People"?

A clip with Katie Couric interviewing Sarah Palin came out today.  Seriously, that bitch does not know anything, she couldn't even articulate herself as she was talking to Couric.  As she spoke I could not believe how the nation is letting her be a candidate for VP... WAKE UP!

I am glad I was able to vent... I also want to give kudos to Venezualan President, Hugo Chavez for expelling the American Amabassador this month.  I am proud of Chavez for defending Venezuela and all of Latin America and struggling to preserve it's integrity.  In the time earlier this year, an article came out with a reporter saying "Latin America used to be our third border."  I'm sorry, but Latin America will never belong to Washington.  I hope Chavez continues to tell Hispanic nations to stand up against the bully of the North.  I am aware that Chavez is a little crazy and is starting to violate human rights and freedom of speech, but I am still proud of his courage and determination to rid Venezuela of anything American.  It makes me terribly sad that my country, Costa Rica had to go ahead and sign the Free- Trade Agreement.  Now, American Capitalists are going to suck the country dry of everything it has.  Oscar Arias, the President, may be a Nobel Prize winner, but he needs to realize the big mistake he has made...

And for the record, I am not anti- American. I am anti- capitalism and anti- the current government.

Ok, I'm done.

Disconnected

Dear Readers,

I am currently on my lunch break at school. I am in the college office where it is unusually quiet and very humid. I feel very different from how I felt in the morning... I feel sort of down. Anyway, here is an entry I wrote on Saturday.


Saturday, September 13, 2008


Disconnected is how I currently feel. My laptop isn't working and it isn't home and the internet connection on my desktop computer can hardly work. On my desktop, it can take nearly an hour just for MSN to load. I miss my laptop and cannot wait to have it back in my hands. For now, I shall have to settle with my annoying desktop computer which my step- dad has been promising to fix since the year before. In a few minutes, a feature length film, Coco Chanel is going to premiere on Lifetime so I will be taking a break from writing this to go watch the movie.

So today I went to my Powerscore SAT course beneath the cloudy gray sky that enveloped the city in the morning. As I entered the room I saw other students sitting and waiting. As I was walking to my seat, I heard a chuckle. My insecure self thought someone had said something about me and I squirmed in embarrassment. It took a few minutes for me to realize that it was not about me. A large man with typical Irish characteristics: blue eyes, light pink skin, light blonde hair was on the phone and on his face hung a palpable exasperation. He was speaking on his phone and then hung up. "Alright" he said, and he stood up. He then asked, “Who doesn't have their blue books with them?" I looked around and saw that some students had with them, their blue CollegeBoard Practice SAT books with them while some didn't. My hand quickly rose up and he counted me as one of the seven missing their books. On the first day of this course, Powerscore gave us their own copy of a practice test, but this time they did not. I guess they assumed we would bring along the Collegeboard book next time. Well, they were wrong. A total of twelve students (me included) did not have our books.
“Oh my fucking God, this is colossal.” The Procter said. We all giggled. The guy went ahead and copied fragments of the test at the front desk and handed them out to us when he returned. Most of us stood in class till the 8th section since it was 6PM, the time class was supposed to end. Others stayed to finish the rest of the exam. I walked along 7th avenue while cold drops of rain stung my bare skin, took the 4 train which, for some reason was running on the local 6 train track and arrived home around 7:33 PM.

**********

OMG!!! I am watching Saturday Night Live right now. Michael Phelps is hosting… wow, he’s so gorgeous! He’s very tall too and talks as if there was something in his mouth. Either way, he’s still handsome. You go, Michael! Anyway, there is a commercial break. I saw Coco Chanel by the way and I really liked the movie. Chanel lived with perseverance, never let go of her dream, nor tried to sacrifice it for anything else. I always thought these fashion designers came from wealthy families, I guess I was wrong. Chanel didn’t. She came from a very poor background. Her mother died when she was young and she was sent to a Catholic Boarding school and was told by her father that he would come back for her and her sister. He, of course, did not. Despite all the difficult emotional and financial challenges she went through, her tenacity and talent kept her going. I thought it was an inspiring film so, if you have Lifetime, I highly recommend it. Okay, SNL is back… be back soon!

At the moment, Lil’ Wayne is singing. So, my first official week of school went alright. In my Botany class, we’re already doing a lame project and I feel good when I am in Jessica’s math class. She’s a 23 year old talented math teacher. She never gets tired of helping me and she stays with me till I understand it. Literature class is going well- the course title is called Love and Lust and we are currently discussing the weird character that is Oscar Wao in The Brief and Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao. The word nigger is used a lot in the story and it is disturbing to read sometimes. I hate that the reader isn’t allowed to see into Oscar’s mind. We all have to make our assumptions about Oscar’s motives without really having any proof. We’ll be done with that story this week and then we are going to start on our first book.

In the beginning of the week I was heavily overwhelmed. I had no time for myself and I would always come home late. I am not sure if it was real, but I think I got an anxiety attack and buried my face in a towel to muffle the sounds of me wailing. There is one thing that is constantly on my mind and which constantly hurts me, but I will not reveal that. SAT practice has been annoying. I just cannot understand the math, it ties my mind together and I sit back discouraged saying goodbye to my future. Being discouraged really sucks, the whole world just shuts down for me and negative thoughts come pouring in sucking up the positive thoughts I had left. The uncertainty of everything in the next few months is scaring me. With my terrible math SAT score, I won’t be able to receive the overall SAT score I desire. Those scores mean a lot; they seem to define one’s future… at least in my mind. So many adults tell me, “oh, don’t worry about them- don’t put too much emphasis on those tests.” It is pure bullshit really. Those teachers who tell me all that crap went to great universities because of their great SAT scores. They just talk so I could shut up and they in turn feel better about themselves.

And then on Wednesday I received a call from someone who was disappointed in me. It was a call that totally ruined my evening and the day after and made me think whether or not I wanted to see this person again. That person did not consider why I was canceling… it was so selfish. But, I guess it is payback since I did this before. Anyway, I am tired and sleepy. I will be able to post this on my lunch- break at school on Monday. I hope next week is not stressful as this last one was!

Laptop is down

Ughh!

Once again my laptop has encountered another problem- it has broken down. Because of this I will not be able to post for a while. I hope I can get my laptop fixed soon!

Until next time!
Anthony

First Day of School Eve (The pressure begins!)

Today passed right before my eyes. I woke up at 10 AM, brushed my teeth, washed my face, went into the living room and looked at the clock. I sat down and planned what I was going to do during the day.

Three days earlier, I had scheduled to meet with C, a friend from a previous art research class at the Met. We were going to meet at the Met so we could see the Jeff Koons roof exhibit, but since my mother was giving me problems it seemed unlikely that I was going to see him. I had promised C many times that we were going to hang out, but I repeatedly canceled our dates due to the lack of money and my mother not permitting me to leave the apartment. I would sit sullenly at home praying that C was not cursing me out in his mind. Luckily, I was able to meet C today after 46 minutes of me begging my mother for money so I could ride the 4 train to 86^th Street. I went, waited for about 45 minutes for C and then we entered the museum and went straight up to see Jeff Koons.

As I was going up the stairs to the roof of the Met, I was imagining the multitudes of sculptures I was about to see there. I was filled with excitement and I immediately took my Olympus camera out so I could begin taking photos. As I entered the nearly crowded roof with the sun’s heat gently draped over me, I looked around and saw only three sculptures (See the photos). They were absolutely beautiful. One sculpture was of a balloon dog, the other a heart that was wrapped in red- it looked like a chocolate candy and the third one was a transparent piece that was infused with all sorts of colors. I wanted there to be more, but there weren’t. I expected to see a magnificent view of Manhattan, but some shrubs were added to the ledges which prevented me from looking down and seeing how high I was.

After Koons, C and I went downstairs to look for the J.M.W Turner exhibit. We were lost for a couple of minutes as the directions on the poster didn’t provide the exact location of the show, but we finally found it and indulged our eyes in the gorgeous, sublime oil paint and watercolor pieces by Turner. After walking around in the exhibit for a while, we decided to depart and took a walk in Central Park. We both visited the Cleopatra’s Needle (I believe it’s called), the Shakespeare Garden (this place is really relaxing- YOU should visit), and the Belvedere Castle. During our walk we talked about issues that concerned us the most and found that we thought alike. My legs started to tell me that they were tired and my eyes were begging for some rest so I made for the exit along with C. We walked from 76^th to 86^th, traversed Museum Mile and reached the Uptown 4 train station where I bade C “goodbye until next time” and went home.

That was basically my day. When I arrived, I was astonished about what time it was. I surrendered to my fatigue and had an evening siesta. By the time I woke up, it was 9:46 PM and it suddenly hit me that it was my last day of freedom. It is 11: 55 PM right now and I’m not even tired. I do not even want to go to sleep. I imagine that when I walk through the halls tomorrow, I am going to feel that pressure I have been trying to dodge all summer. Goodbye Summer 2008! You were the best! As of tomorrow I am a senior- class of 2009! Let us see how this year goes…

Last Day of August

It is 4:27 PM on this fine, cool summer day.  I just looked at the calendar and noticed that today was the last day of August!  Tomorrow, September starts and gradually the Fall season will begin to pour in from the skies.  I am not so excited that school is about to start on Tuesday, it has not been on my mind for the past few days.  Am I looking forward to school starting?  Maybe not.  I was excited earlier this summer, but that excitement washed away.  I want to return to the days when I was learning Chinese at the Dalton school along with other like- minded students.  It was fun being immersed in a totally different language.

September is going to be a busy month.  I am booked for each weekend this month.  I have my PowerScore SAT Prep to do and work with the African Film Festival right after.  Because of my booked weekends, I cannot meet a friend who is out on Long Island.  I was really looking forward to meeting him quite soon, but now, I guess I will have to put the date off for October.  By October the weather will have changed from hot to cool, and the trees will probably have started to change colors.  I think October is a better month than September. I would rather meet him then when I am sure I can travel to Long Island and while I am enjoying the weather.  I cannot wait R!

Now that September is here I have to compile a writing portfolio!  I plan on entering the Scholastic Art & Writing Contest and other writing contests that I have discovered through FastWeb.com.  I hope that I am able to win some money and be accepted into a college that I want to attend.  I am not so hopeful... I feel that things may actually turn out exactly the opposite than how I want them to be.  Anyway, I am off to read more of Lee Siegel's shockingly overtly critical, hilarious, and honest essay's.  I will be back.

Managing It All Out

As August comes to a close along with my summer, the Junebug finds himself trailing a road towards overworkdom. By next week, I will be applying for the October SAT test and possibly the November SAT test. If I take the test in November it would mark the third time with me battling the SAT. I am taking it three times with the hopes that my scores will rise each time and that by the end, the highest scores of all three tests will be added together to create a totally new higher score to increase my chances of being accepted into a school like Brown.




I have so many fantasies about Brown and I have not even visited the school. Right now, Brown to me is equal to heaven. At Brown, I believe I will find what I desire and get started on the life path that I’d like to trudge on. Other benefits about Brown is that it is Ivy League and if accepted the complacency of my parents and peers will be even greater. I of course, will be very happy for myself if accepted into Brown as probably any high school senior would. I am not sure where my obsession for Brown was born… I think it was back in ninth grade when my beloved botany teacher told me about it. She is my role model and always will be and I desired to go to the same school she went to. On the day she told me about it, I went home, did further research and saw that Brown might be the place for me. Since then I’ve been hooked on it. I won’t just be applying to Brown this fall. Here is a list of other colleges I will be applying to:

Wesleyan University
University of Vermont
Carleton College
Oberlin College
Reed College
Bowdoin College
Connecticut College
Bates College
Dickinson College
Coe College
St. Olaf College (maybe)
Columbia University (might have to since I am HEOP)

When I meet with my college counselor I will have to talk to her about my safety schools because I really do not know which are they. I imagine that my safety schools will be schools I will not want to attend. By the way, I also hope I can get into Wesleyan, U. of Vermont, Carleton, Oberlin, and Reed since those are also dream schools. Columbia, not really since I do not want to stay in New York City.

So, I am already starting to feel this college stress and pressure to study as much as possible for the SAT. Studying takes considerable time and I feel that it’s time I don’t have. Currently, I am enrolled in an SAT prep course that meets every Saturday and Wednesday. The class provides a lot of homework that takes time to complete. Then, I am going to start doing a project at my internship, the African Film Festival soon and that will take up some hours. School starts next Tuesday and it’s going to consume many hours that I could have used to study. Coming from school to my home takes about an hour and once I am home I feel tired. I have to eat, get myself together, and study, but by that time it’s already night and I have to get to bed in order to wake up rested the next morning. I also have to read! And write in my journal! To me, those two things are imperative or else I will lose my mind. Ah! I also have to prepare a writing portfolio and I do not have much creative writing around- I have not yet even written a full -length story! Can you believe that? And I want to be a writer?

SAT Prep Class
Work with AFF
School
School work
Studying
Reading
Writing
I feel like I won’t be able to pull it off. Just writing about it makes me feel scared. I won’t even have time to go online and chat with friends. The computer is my door to the outside world, it makes me feel connected. Without it I am going to feel awfully lonely.

I guess I need to get my priorities straight. I need to definitely study and write. I need to do those two things. I cannot do anything about work. I will just study when I return from work and after I do homework or whatever for school I will study. I can read right before I go to bed and read on my train rides to and from school. And I can write anytime. Writing in my journal is something that I do everyday and is something that is very hard not to do. I just hope it all works out, I’m terribly worried as other seniors are at this moment. If you have any ideas or advice, do let me know about it.

Well, it’s time for me to study. I have some practice essay’s to write for homework and some optional math questions to do. I have class tomorrow from 6 PM to 9 PM so I have to get those things done and take as much out of it.

I’ll be back!

Summer 2008

In June, I braced myself for what I thought was going to be a miserable, lonely summer. After realizing there are only two weeks left, I took some time to look back on what I did for these past weeks and discovered that I should not have been worrying at the beginning. Summer 2008 was the best summer I have had in a long time.

In May I was scrambling all over the internet to try and find some impressive activity to do over the summer. I remembered that I wanted to learn Chinese, but knew that it was too late. I had called the program coordinator weeks before and received no call back. It was during Math class in sixth period when my cell phone rang loudly with the "1000 Miles" melody by Vanessa Carlton. Laughs erupted throughout the room.
"It gotta be Anthony" a student said.
Another student giggled and said "That's Anthony"
I received a few more of those seconds later. Amy, my math teacher looked at me and smiled while I emitted a quick "sorry." I raised my hand and asked to use the restroom which was right across the hall. Amy gave me permission and I rushed to the restroom, curiosity flowing furiously through my veins. When I received the call, I looked at the caller ID and saw a number had not recognized.
"Who could it be" I wondered as I walked to the bathroom. I enclosed myself in a stall, opened up my Samsung cell phone, and entered the digits of my voicemail password.

A young male voice started speaking and he explained that he had received my message and apologized for not returning my call. He was from the China Institute! He continued speaking and said there was one spot remaining in the program and if I was interested in applying, I could do so right away. I eventually did and was accepted two weeks later. I was gratified.

And today, my PowerScore SAT Prep Course started in Manhattan. Today’s class was just a practice test. I was miserable as I was reading and trying to answer the math questions that I could not grasp. I didn’t really eat in the morning and I was in dire need of sleep and medication. Anyway, it’s all over and now I am home. My mother is lying on the couch watching the final Olympic games. As I write this I wonder what I am going to do next. Should I read? Attempt to write a story? Study? Nah, I think I will let my brain rest. I have class tomorrow. Maybe I will write and develop something I have been wanting to write for the longest time. Yeah, I’ll go do that.

The Junebug

I have been trying to blog for the past three years and all my attempts at regulerly updating one failed. My original idea for my blog was to write about the different books I read. It was going well at first but, then it became sort of tedious for me. I got something out of that though, as much as I love literature, I hate doing book reviews.

This blog is going to be the place where I will inform the world of my thoughts and little adventures. Let's see how that works out...