Disconnected

Dear Readers,

I am currently on my lunch break at school. I am in the college office where it is unusually quiet and very humid. I feel very different from how I felt in the morning... I feel sort of down. Anyway, here is an entry I wrote on Saturday.


Saturday, September 13, 2008


Disconnected is how I currently feel. My laptop isn't working and it isn't home and the internet connection on my desktop computer can hardly work. On my desktop, it can take nearly an hour just for MSN to load. I miss my laptop and cannot wait to have it back in my hands. For now, I shall have to settle with my annoying desktop computer which my step- dad has been promising to fix since the year before. In a few minutes, a feature length film, Coco Chanel is going to premiere on Lifetime so I will be taking a break from writing this to go watch the movie.

So today I went to my Powerscore SAT course beneath the cloudy gray sky that enveloped the city in the morning. As I entered the room I saw other students sitting and waiting. As I was walking to my seat, I heard a chuckle. My insecure self thought someone had said something about me and I squirmed in embarrassment. It took a few minutes for me to realize that it was not about me. A large man with typical Irish characteristics: blue eyes, light pink skin, light blonde hair was on the phone and on his face hung a palpable exasperation. He was speaking on his phone and then hung up. "Alright" he said, and he stood up. He then asked, “Who doesn't have their blue books with them?" I looked around and saw that some students had with them, their blue CollegeBoard Practice SAT books with them while some didn't. My hand quickly rose up and he counted me as one of the seven missing their books. On the first day of this course, Powerscore gave us their own copy of a practice test, but this time they did not. I guess they assumed we would bring along the Collegeboard book next time. Well, they were wrong. A total of twelve students (me included) did not have our books.
“Oh my fucking God, this is colossal.” The Procter said. We all giggled. The guy went ahead and copied fragments of the test at the front desk and handed them out to us when he returned. Most of us stood in class till the 8th section since it was 6PM, the time class was supposed to end. Others stayed to finish the rest of the exam. I walked along 7th avenue while cold drops of rain stung my bare skin, took the 4 train which, for some reason was running on the local 6 train track and arrived home around 7:33 PM.

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OMG!!! I am watching Saturday Night Live right now. Michael Phelps is hosting… wow, he’s so gorgeous! He’s very tall too and talks as if there was something in his mouth. Either way, he’s still handsome. You go, Michael! Anyway, there is a commercial break. I saw Coco Chanel by the way and I really liked the movie. Chanel lived with perseverance, never let go of her dream, nor tried to sacrifice it for anything else. I always thought these fashion designers came from wealthy families, I guess I was wrong. Chanel didn’t. She came from a very poor background. Her mother died when she was young and she was sent to a Catholic Boarding school and was told by her father that he would come back for her and her sister. He, of course, did not. Despite all the difficult emotional and financial challenges she went through, her tenacity and talent kept her going. I thought it was an inspiring film so, if you have Lifetime, I highly recommend it. Okay, SNL is back… be back soon!

At the moment, Lil’ Wayne is singing. So, my first official week of school went alright. In my Botany class, we’re already doing a lame project and I feel good when I am in Jessica’s math class. She’s a 23 year old talented math teacher. She never gets tired of helping me and she stays with me till I understand it. Literature class is going well- the course title is called Love and Lust and we are currently discussing the weird character that is Oscar Wao in The Brief and Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao. The word nigger is used a lot in the story and it is disturbing to read sometimes. I hate that the reader isn’t allowed to see into Oscar’s mind. We all have to make our assumptions about Oscar’s motives without really having any proof. We’ll be done with that story this week and then we are going to start on our first book.

In the beginning of the week I was heavily overwhelmed. I had no time for myself and I would always come home late. I am not sure if it was real, but I think I got an anxiety attack and buried my face in a towel to muffle the sounds of me wailing. There is one thing that is constantly on my mind and which constantly hurts me, but I will not reveal that. SAT practice has been annoying. I just cannot understand the math, it ties my mind together and I sit back discouraged saying goodbye to my future. Being discouraged really sucks, the whole world just shuts down for me and negative thoughts come pouring in sucking up the positive thoughts I had left. The uncertainty of everything in the next few months is scaring me. With my terrible math SAT score, I won’t be able to receive the overall SAT score I desire. Those scores mean a lot; they seem to define one’s future… at least in my mind. So many adults tell me, “oh, don’t worry about them- don’t put too much emphasis on those tests.” It is pure bullshit really. Those teachers who tell me all that crap went to great universities because of their great SAT scores. They just talk so I could shut up and they in turn feel better about themselves.

And then on Wednesday I received a call from someone who was disappointed in me. It was a call that totally ruined my evening and the day after and made me think whether or not I wanted to see this person again. That person did not consider why I was canceling… it was so selfish. But, I guess it is payback since I did this before. Anyway, I am tired and sleepy. I will be able to post this on my lunch- break at school on Monday. I hope next week is not stressful as this last one was!