Double Consciousness

I am still debating whether or not I want to write in this blog and whether or not it is interesting enough to grab the attention of readers.  At the start of every blog post, I find myself struggling to write a sentence because of tension and slothfulness.  I also find myself wondering whether this blog is a waste of his time.  I see other blogs and I become jealous of the enthusiasm the writer seems to have and of the fact, that the writer has something to write about.

The reason I do not write stories is because I have nothing to write about.  I have not found the purpose and the drive to begin writing a full length story.  I feel that there is a pressure out there in society for teenagers to show themselves as creative, intelligent beings.  Teens are forced to read, forced to write because if they do not do anything, they could be looked upon as dry, normal people.  That isn't good of course, because everyone wants to be fantastic, possess something great that no one else has.  Because of this pressure you find teens using literature and art as a means to lift their status and appear precocious before the eyes of teachers and other adults.  Have you ever felt that pressure? I, as a young Hispanic man has always felt that pressure.  I read until I loved to read.  I knew there was something different about me and the precocious Caucasian kids I saw on TV.  I wanted to be different, I wanted to be wonderfully articulate, and I wanted to have a unique personality.  I have been thinking about this as the years have gone by since I have been trying to understand my behavior.

I once read Hunger of Memory by Richard Rodriguez, which was the author's autobiography of him growing up Hispanic in California.  I read that book in an English class I was taking in NYU.  It made me realize I was not the only person who had gone through periods of that pressure.  The NYU class was called Writing Ethnicity and it was taught by a wonderful professor named Professor Cleland.  Before we entered the topic of ethnicity, we examined a quote by W.E.B DuBois.  It is about this idea of Double Consciousness, the "sense of always looking at one's self through the eyes of others, of measuring one's self by the tape of the world that looks on in amused contempt and pity" (Of Our Spritual Strivings, The Souls of Black Folk).  After reading that, things started to make sense to me.  Words had been put to a phenomenon that I have been doing for years and that I possibly still do.  The quote applies to the time when African American's were effigies of disgust and when they began to look upon themselves as the whites would look upon them.

I would look upon myself the way I thought others looks upon me, which definitely made life a little harder.  I am curious to know if anyone has looked upon themselves through the eyes of others and whether they are under the same pressure of being seen as smart and capable...

I hope I have made sense here.  I am glad I found something to write about and that I kept with it.  :)  Ok, enough writing for now, my brain is starting to go off-course.  

Movie Recommendations

The heat of this particular warm weekend, the first (I think) of 2009 brought back the feelings of past summers where good times were in prospect and where a sense of liberation was felt.

 After watching two films this weekend, that partiular summer smell descended upon me this afternoon as I sat on my couch wondering whether to fall asleep or write in my journal, signaling something new.  Those two films were called Pay It Forward and Yes Man.

Pay It Forward starring Kevin Spacey, Helen Hunt, and Artificial Intelligences’ Haley Joel Osment is about a 7th grade boy named Trevor McKinney (Osment) who sets out to help change the world after receiving the assignment from his teacher.  The assignment is to think of one thing that would change the world and for those who worked on it the whole year would receive extra credit.  After bringing a homeless, heorin addict into his home and giving him food, Trevor composed a proposal for his project.  He would help three people and each of those three people would have to help three other people and so on.  I knew from the start that this movie was going to delightful so I left it on.  The movie teaches that the world does not have to be shit, but can be wonderful if we all change it by caring for one another.  The movie made me think a lot.  I would love to go help people and bring someone homeless into my home to provide shelter and food, but it is too great a risk.  We do not know who we are helping and that is the frightening part.  Trevor said people are too scared to help one another, but there is a reason why that fear is there.  The movie will give you a surprise and I won’t tell you what type of surprise to not ruin it for you.  Try and see this sometime. The movie is seldom aired on HBO and Starz.

 The other movie I saw today was Yes Man starring Jim Carrey.  Jim’s character, Carl is someone who lives a mundane life sprinkled with bitterness and hopelessness until a friend tells him about a program that teaches people to say Yes instead of No to things.  Saying yes improved Carl’s life instantly. The whole philosophy behind this movie was that we all should say yes to things we want to do instead of saying no and maybe, that “yes” could lead to something bigger. Go see this! It is out on IO and DVD.

Earth Day, Iceland, Valedictorian, and Everything Else

First and foremost, Happy Earth Day everyone. On this day of environmental awareness, I have gained inspiration from a friend at my internship- Paper Magazine who writes her own blog called Cien. Despite the writing blocks she gets, she keeps on writing and looks for creative fodder in every corner of her world. Thank you for giving me the inspiration to continue my blog. On this day, I have also had the chance to look back on everything that has occurred this year and think about what is going to happen in the future.

It has obviously been a long time since I have written here. I last wrote when I visited Bennington College and when I was beginning the college application process. I was in love with Brown University and ridiculously stressed. I was also arriving late to school everyday, but managed to pass my first period class with flying colors. Since October 8th, 2008 many events have taken place which influenced the very present. Some are negative and some are postive, but I am happy to say that the positive outweighs the negative.

As of today, I now know which college I will be attending in the fall and it’s Beloit College in Beloit, Wisconsin. I had the chance to visit over the weekend and had a wonderful time. The campus is pretty- there are trees all over the place, rabbits and ducks strolling about, and friendly people. It was strange seeing people smile at me and talk to me as if they knew me. Here in New York, that does not happen very often. I visited classes, toured the campus and felt that I would be comfortable there. It is far of course, but I like the traveling aspect. I get to fly to Chicago and then take a bus that lets me see the flat lands around me. I told someone today that Beloit has a “gay scene.” That really isn’t true, but as I answered, I wondered whether having a gay scene was important to me. I am going to college to study, not party…. Or maybe I do want a gay scene, I am not sure… In college I am going to concentrate hard to receive the outcomes I would like when my four years are over.

I am sure Beloit has its few gays that are out and proud. They have an alliance there and people have told me the campus is “overwhelmingly accepting.” What I like about Beloit is that it is its own small world. It is far away from everything else, it is like a retreat. I plan to study Literature at Beloit and get a degree in Modern Languages which is a unique major offered at Beloit. The Modern Language major enables students to study three languages at once, neat huh? With that, I get to continue with French, improve my Mandarin, and learn a new language. I think I will end up double majoring. The Modern Languages major along with a Literature major is a good deal.

Before visiting Beloit, I got to see a former Botany teacher of mine and I spent a couple of hours with her in Chicago. Her name is Esther and she is a wonderful person. She took me to breakfast at an organic café in Chicago’s Logan Square where I ate delicious whole grain pancakes with warm maple syrup and whipped cream. She then took me around Chicago in her car. I saw the Sears Tower and lots of other cool buildings. I was impressed with Chicago. All the buildings are separated which leaves a cool openness throughout the city. After that, Esther took me to meet her parents. Her parents were so warm and friendly that I immediately felt comfortable with them. Esther is a friend to me. She has helped me throughout my four years of high school. Now that I will be in the Midwest, I will get to see her more often!

For college, I was originally concentrating on Wesleyan University. Wesleyan had become my dream school; it was the school I had to get into. Later in March, I was rejected from Wesleyan. Decisions were being posted online for the first time and I saw my decision as I was eating with my mentor at Grano Trattoria- a scrumptious Italian restaurant in Greenwich Village. It was devastating, but I recovered quickly. I probably would not have been happy at Wesleyan. Students there looked stressed and preppy, which made me, feel intimidated and scared. If I were accepted to Wesleyan, I probably would have went. But if I went, I would not have been able to see the Midwest and have the chance to embark on a new adventure in a new place. Sometimes, even though we don’t like it, I think life knows what it is doing sometimes.

Earlier this month, I found out I was granted a scholarship I applied for to go on a National Geographic Expedition to Iceland this summer! That same day, I also found out that my name was in the New York Times along with names of other students who were selected as semi-finalists for the New York Times College Scholarship. That was the best week I have experienced so far this year. I also found out that I am valedictorian for my class! This time is an exciting and wonderful time for me. It has taken some time to sink in since my mind has been in other places, but I am beginning to meet these accomplishments and feel proud of them.