Double Consciousness

I am still debating whether or not I want to write in this blog and whether or not it is interesting enough to grab the attention of readers.  At the start of every blog post, I find myself struggling to write a sentence because of tension and slothfulness.  I also find myself wondering whether this blog is a waste of his time.  I see other blogs and I become jealous of the enthusiasm the writer seems to have and of the fact, that the writer has something to write about.

The reason I do not write stories is because I have nothing to write about.  I have not found the purpose and the drive to begin writing a full length story.  I feel that there is a pressure out there in society for teenagers to show themselves as creative, intelligent beings.  Teens are forced to read, forced to write because if they do not do anything, they could be looked upon as dry, normal people.  That isn't good of course, because everyone wants to be fantastic, possess something great that no one else has.  Because of this pressure you find teens using literature and art as a means to lift their status and appear precocious before the eyes of teachers and other adults.  Have you ever felt that pressure? I, as a young Hispanic man has always felt that pressure.  I read until I loved to read.  I knew there was something different about me and the precocious Caucasian kids I saw on TV.  I wanted to be different, I wanted to be wonderfully articulate, and I wanted to have a unique personality.  I have been thinking about this as the years have gone by since I have been trying to understand my behavior.

I once read Hunger of Memory by Richard Rodriguez, which was the author's autobiography of him growing up Hispanic in California.  I read that book in an English class I was taking in NYU.  It made me realize I was not the only person who had gone through periods of that pressure.  The NYU class was called Writing Ethnicity and it was taught by a wonderful professor named Professor Cleland.  Before we entered the topic of ethnicity, we examined a quote by W.E.B DuBois.  It is about this idea of Double Consciousness, the "sense of always looking at one's self through the eyes of others, of measuring one's self by the tape of the world that looks on in amused contempt and pity" (Of Our Spritual Strivings, The Souls of Black Folk).  After reading that, things started to make sense to me.  Words had been put to a phenomenon that I have been doing for years and that I possibly still do.  The quote applies to the time when African American's were effigies of disgust and when they began to look upon themselves as the whites would look upon them.

I would look upon myself the way I thought others looks upon me, which definitely made life a little harder.  I am curious to know if anyone has looked upon themselves through the eyes of others and whether they are under the same pressure of being seen as smart and capable...

I hope I have made sense here.  I am glad I found something to write about and that I kept with it.  :)  Ok, enough writing for now, my brain is starting to go off-course.