Double Consciousness

I am still debating whether or not I want to write in this blog and whether or not it is interesting enough to grab the attention of readers.  At the start of every blog post, I find myself struggling to write a sentence because of tension and slothfulness.  I also find myself wondering whether this blog is a waste of his time.  I see other blogs and I become jealous of the enthusiasm the writer seems to have and of the fact, that the writer has something to write about.

The reason I do not write stories is because I have nothing to write about.  I have not found the purpose and the drive to begin writing a full length story.  I feel that there is a pressure out there in society for teenagers to show themselves as creative, intelligent beings.  Teens are forced to read, forced to write because if they do not do anything, they could be looked upon as dry, normal people.  That isn't good of course, because everyone wants to be fantastic, possess something great that no one else has.  Because of this pressure you find teens using literature and art as a means to lift their status and appear precocious before the eyes of teachers and other adults.  Have you ever felt that pressure? I, as a young Hispanic man has always felt that pressure.  I read until I loved to read.  I knew there was something different about me and the precocious Caucasian kids I saw on TV.  I wanted to be different, I wanted to be wonderfully articulate, and I wanted to have a unique personality.  I have been thinking about this as the years have gone by since I have been trying to understand my behavior.

I once read Hunger of Memory by Richard Rodriguez, which was the author's autobiography of him growing up Hispanic in California.  I read that book in an English class I was taking in NYU.  It made me realize I was not the only person who had gone through periods of that pressure.  The NYU class was called Writing Ethnicity and it was taught by a wonderful professor named Professor Cleland.  Before we entered the topic of ethnicity, we examined a quote by W.E.B DuBois.  It is about this idea of Double Consciousness, the "sense of always looking at one's self through the eyes of others, of measuring one's self by the tape of the world that looks on in amused contempt and pity" (Of Our Spritual Strivings, The Souls of Black Folk).  After reading that, things started to make sense to me.  Words had been put to a phenomenon that I have been doing for years and that I possibly still do.  The quote applies to the time when African American's were effigies of disgust and when they began to look upon themselves as the whites would look upon them.

I would look upon myself the way I thought others looks upon me, which definitely made life a little harder.  I am curious to know if anyone has looked upon themselves through the eyes of others and whether they are under the same pressure of being seen as smart and capable...

I hope I have made sense here.  I am glad I found something to write about and that I kept with it.  :)  Ok, enough writing for now, my brain is starting to go off-course.  

Movie Recommendations

The heat of this particular warm weekend, the first (I think) of 2009 brought back the feelings of past summers where good times were in prospect and where a sense of liberation was felt.

 After watching two films this weekend, that partiular summer smell descended upon me this afternoon as I sat on my couch wondering whether to fall asleep or write in my journal, signaling something new.  Those two films were called Pay It Forward and Yes Man.

Pay It Forward starring Kevin Spacey, Helen Hunt, and Artificial Intelligences’ Haley Joel Osment is about a 7th grade boy named Trevor McKinney (Osment) who sets out to help change the world after receiving the assignment from his teacher.  The assignment is to think of one thing that would change the world and for those who worked on it the whole year would receive extra credit.  After bringing a homeless, heorin addict into his home and giving him food, Trevor composed a proposal for his project.  He would help three people and each of those three people would have to help three other people and so on.  I knew from the start that this movie was going to delightful so I left it on.  The movie teaches that the world does not have to be shit, but can be wonderful if we all change it by caring for one another.  The movie made me think a lot.  I would love to go help people and bring someone homeless into my home to provide shelter and food, but it is too great a risk.  We do not know who we are helping and that is the frightening part.  Trevor said people are too scared to help one another, but there is a reason why that fear is there.  The movie will give you a surprise and I won’t tell you what type of surprise to not ruin it for you.  Try and see this sometime. The movie is seldom aired on HBO and Starz.

 The other movie I saw today was Yes Man starring Jim Carrey.  Jim’s character, Carl is someone who lives a mundane life sprinkled with bitterness and hopelessness until a friend tells him about a program that teaches people to say Yes instead of No to things.  Saying yes improved Carl’s life instantly. The whole philosophy behind this movie was that we all should say yes to things we want to do instead of saying no and maybe, that “yes” could lead to something bigger. Go see this! It is out on IO and DVD.

Earth Day, Iceland, Valedictorian, and Everything Else

First and foremost, Happy Earth Day everyone. On this day of environmental awareness, I have gained inspiration from a friend at my internship- Paper Magazine who writes her own blog called Cien. Despite the writing blocks she gets, she keeps on writing and looks for creative fodder in every corner of her world. Thank you for giving me the inspiration to continue my blog. On this day, I have also had the chance to look back on everything that has occurred this year and think about what is going to happen in the future.

It has obviously been a long time since I have written here. I last wrote when I visited Bennington College and when I was beginning the college application process. I was in love with Brown University and ridiculously stressed. I was also arriving late to school everyday, but managed to pass my first period class with flying colors. Since October 8th, 2008 many events have taken place which influenced the very present. Some are negative and some are postive, but I am happy to say that the positive outweighs the negative.

As of today, I now know which college I will be attending in the fall and it’s Beloit College in Beloit, Wisconsin. I had the chance to visit over the weekend and had a wonderful time. The campus is pretty- there are trees all over the place, rabbits and ducks strolling about, and friendly people. It was strange seeing people smile at me and talk to me as if they knew me. Here in New York, that does not happen very often. I visited classes, toured the campus and felt that I would be comfortable there. It is far of course, but I like the traveling aspect. I get to fly to Chicago and then take a bus that lets me see the flat lands around me. I told someone today that Beloit has a “gay scene.” That really isn’t true, but as I answered, I wondered whether having a gay scene was important to me. I am going to college to study, not party…. Or maybe I do want a gay scene, I am not sure… In college I am going to concentrate hard to receive the outcomes I would like when my four years are over.

I am sure Beloit has its few gays that are out and proud. They have an alliance there and people have told me the campus is “overwhelmingly accepting.” What I like about Beloit is that it is its own small world. It is far away from everything else, it is like a retreat. I plan to study Literature at Beloit and get a degree in Modern Languages which is a unique major offered at Beloit. The Modern Language major enables students to study three languages at once, neat huh? With that, I get to continue with French, improve my Mandarin, and learn a new language. I think I will end up double majoring. The Modern Languages major along with a Literature major is a good deal.

Before visiting Beloit, I got to see a former Botany teacher of mine and I spent a couple of hours with her in Chicago. Her name is Esther and she is a wonderful person. She took me to breakfast at an organic café in Chicago’s Logan Square where I ate delicious whole grain pancakes with warm maple syrup and whipped cream. She then took me around Chicago in her car. I saw the Sears Tower and lots of other cool buildings. I was impressed with Chicago. All the buildings are separated which leaves a cool openness throughout the city. After that, Esther took me to meet her parents. Her parents were so warm and friendly that I immediately felt comfortable with them. Esther is a friend to me. She has helped me throughout my four years of high school. Now that I will be in the Midwest, I will get to see her more often!

For college, I was originally concentrating on Wesleyan University. Wesleyan had become my dream school; it was the school I had to get into. Later in March, I was rejected from Wesleyan. Decisions were being posted online for the first time and I saw my decision as I was eating with my mentor at Grano Trattoria- a scrumptious Italian restaurant in Greenwich Village. It was devastating, but I recovered quickly. I probably would not have been happy at Wesleyan. Students there looked stressed and preppy, which made me, feel intimidated and scared. If I were accepted to Wesleyan, I probably would have went. But if I went, I would not have been able to see the Midwest and have the chance to embark on a new adventure in a new place. Sometimes, even though we don’t like it, I think life knows what it is doing sometimes.

Earlier this month, I found out I was granted a scholarship I applied for to go on a National Geographic Expedition to Iceland this summer! That same day, I also found out that my name was in the New York Times along with names of other students who were selected as semi-finalists for the New York Times College Scholarship. That was the best week I have experienced so far this year. I also found out that I am valedictorian for my class! This time is an exciting and wonderful time for me. It has taken some time to sink in since my mind has been in other places, but I am beginning to meet these accomplishments and feel proud of them.

Back to Bennington

Dear Lovely Readers,

Yesterday I returned from Bennington College in Southern Vermont and was driven right back into the hostile atmosphere of my apartment in the Northern Bronx.  I come through the door and said hello to my mother who's only response was to stop ringing the bell.  I pressed the ringer downstairs in the lobby many times so the sound could, with each turn, reach my mother's ear until she heard it and apparently she was annoyed by that.  I tried again saying hello and she responded, this time, relaxed by saying Hola, como le fue? which means, in the Spanish: "Hi, how did it go?"

For some reason, as I settled my bags on the floor and my clothes in their corresponding drawers, I suddenly felt tired and felt that I did not want to speak anymore, so I stopped talking letting my mother digest everything I had just told her.  A few seconds later, my mothers ask's me, "So what did they tell you?"  Broad question, right?  I stood still and thought of the best way to ask her to clarify what she mean.  "Mami, what do you mean" I asked as calm as possible.  And her face dropped to a frown.  She inhaled and in an instant, the air around us became tight and warm.  "What do you mean, what I mean?  What did they tell you?"  All I wanted her to do was clarify her question and she failed to do so.  Instead, she answered in an hostile manner that made my blood pressure rise and I answered, this time speaking a little louder, "I MEAN, what do you want to know?  They told me a lot of things. What specifically do you want to know?"  I said this with my arms in the air, trying to let my words be emphasized by my hand movements.  She looked down, stood quiet and emitted a soft, "nothing."

Arguments like these always occur between my mother and I at all times of day.  There is never peace under this roof and there is no space between us so I feel like I am suffocating constantly.  The suffocation I feel and the suffocation she probably feels makes us both angry and we unleash our anger on each other daily.  The argument, thus, ruined the good feeling inside me that had engendered itself while I was up in Bennington College.

Bennington College has changed drastically since I was last up there earlier in the year.  The incoming freshman class is like a flavorful spice that had been added to bland food.  Their so energetic, vibrant, exciting, and colorful.  Earlier in the year there were hardly any men on campus, but now there are tons of them and cute ones too.  I was partnered up with a student named Toby, who was going to be my room mate for the night.  I am glad to have been partnered up with him.  He shares the same passions I have, like writing and literature.  On his desk was a huge piece of paper filled with tiny little letters that dictated and showed him what was on and what he needed to include in his 100 page epic poem.  Seeing it inspired me.  The picture above is the house in which Toby's room was located- the house is called Merck.

Members of the freshman class also seem a little pompous.  I was speaking with a few freshman and they were all preppy kids from wealthy families who could not stop talking trash about other students.  I do not want to be part of that kind of environment, but I guess there is no escaping it since I will find groups like that at any college I attend.

If everything goes wrong with the college process, and if Bennington accepts me, I will most likely come here.  Bennington isn't at all, bad- it's just that no one has ever heard of this college before.  W.H. Auden and Bernard Malamud taught here and the current American ambassador to Saudi Arabia teaches here as well, according to a student.  All classes are discussion- based and their is a tight relationship between students and teachers.  There is also this Field Work Term program that exists at Bennington.  It is a program that runs from December through January that let's students do any type of project they want to do.  Students can go abroad or anywhere in the country and do volunteer work.  The Student Life office helps out with obtaining grants and other things.  Each student has an advisor who helps them plan their education at Bennington and almost every student at Bennington knows one another.  Bennington is a pretty cool place and if I went here, I'd probably be happy.  I just want to see if I will get into schools like Brown, Wesleyan, Carleton or Vassar and visit them before making any decision.

Anyway, besides all the great stuff Bennington College has- Vermont is a beautiful place.  The college is surrounded by green.  After I arrived and ate on Monday I went exploring and took pictures which you will see on here. I had a really great time.

Governor Sarah Palin is an idiot

Hello there.  In the last entry I mentioned a clip from an interview that Palin had with Katie Couric in which Palin discusses her foreign policy.  When this was aired on NBC Nightly News I simply gasped at the television wondering how and why the American people are letting Palin be a possible candidate.  In simple words, she is stupid.  Here is that clip...

Just listen to her. "Our next door neighbors are foreign countries, there in the state that I am the executive of.."  What the fuck?  And "from Alaska that we send those out to make sure... an eye is being kept, on this powerful nation, Russia because they are right there, they are right next to uh, to our state"  Well, no shit Sherlock.  Why does an eye have to be kept over Russia?  How would the American Government feel if another nation said they must keep an eye on the United States?  It is infuriating how this country see's itself superior than other nations and feel like they have the right to "keep an eye" on or punish someone else.  No other country can ever punish the United States, no one can tell the government what to do.  Ugh.

Settling Down & Politics

For the past two to three weeks, I have been the most stressed that I have ever been this year.  As September walked in, I promised myself that I would keep things together and attempt to get through everything I needed to accomplish such as assistant teaching, Francais, interning, working, doing homework, weaving a college list, writing college essay's, and applying for scholarships.  I thought I had enough time, but it turned out not to be so.  Everyday, I arrived home from school tired and worn out and would just use the rest of my energy to talk with friends.  Working a lot made me feel disconnected.  As I struggled with all the crap I had to do, I longed to talk to a peer.

Being overwhelmed with work also touched the surface of my mood and shattered it completely, engendering a whole different Anthony.  I became stubborn, walked through the hallways and streets with malevolence, and had zero tolerance for people who would waste precious time.  I was so stressed!  The sudden change of anti- depressant medication also disturbed the flow of things within my brain causing in me a sullenness that was difficult to bear.  I hate the fact that I become so anxious and frustrated.  I was frustrated with how I was living and how I had handled previous things... I shouldn't say "I was frustrated..." I still am actually.

Anyway, I was able to endure coming out of the dense gray cloud with a bruise and minor cuts and I have turned my attention to trying to pace myself.  Just a couple of minutes ago, I completed a second draft of my college essay after weeks of writing essay's that covered different candidate topics and I feel more proud of myself.  It is really disappointing that the college essay has to be so sort.  There is nothing wrong with succinctness or condensation, but I just had so much to say as I am sure everyone does.  My essay topic is on writing and how it has made me the individual I am today.  It is a common topic, but it is what I can do and what I am passionate about.

Moving on...

I have been frustrated with the current events in the world and the presidential election.  First off, tensions continue to rise each day between the United States and the Russian Federation and I feel Washington is on it's way to provoking World War 3.  After Russian forces defended South Ossetia from the Georgian army, the United States quickly went ahead to offer a spot for Georgia in NATO.  Washington does not give a fuck about Georgia or "territorial sovereignty."   Washington wants to bring Medvedev and Putin down- that's it, thus surrounding Russia with NATO members so the Russians could stand down.  Be aware that under Article Five, NATO "guarantees mutual defense, promising a 'one for all, all for one' military response should any member be attacked.  So if Russia attacks Georgia again after it tries to recapture South Ossetia, NATO will bomb the Federation and then, the world is done.

Russia was simply protecting it's citizen's in South Ossetia and Abkhazia- they did NOT invade Georgia.  We then have Bush, McCain and even Obama saying that Russia must be punished.  Obama didn't really say that, but he was viewing the situation as everyone else was.  Bush has no right to tell anyone what to do.  He has no right to punish anyone at all.  Can anyone punish the United States?  Can the United Nations impose sanctions against America's illegal occupation of Iraq and embargo of Cuba? No.  Must America destroy it's nuclear weapons? No.  But Iran has to stop it's nuclear program and Russia "must be punished."   Something is definitely wrong with this country especially after polls in favor of McCain and Palin rose in the last couple of weeks.  Palin is a redneck and she knows nothing.  She comes from a city hall the size of a diner and isn't sophisticated at all.   She says her foreign policy is Alaska's proximity to Russia.  Is she crazy?  She never met a foreign dignitary until this week here in New York City for the UN Assembly.  That woman is terrible and is simply a monster.  McCain is about to die anyway and if that does occur, Palin will become President and at that second, America will become trash.  I am deeply saddened by the fact that I cannot vote in this year's election.  If YOU can vote, get your ass to the voting booths on November 3rd and make a wise decision.  The future the Republican Party has in store for America is not a good one.  The Democratic Party has the chance of doing some change, but please Obama reel yourself back in, you can't change everything.  The United States isn't a monarchy, but a "democracy."  I am really not sure what this nation is.  I am not sure how the US is a democracy when the citizens themselves do not elect their President, but the electoral college.  The government doesn't trust the people?  What ever happened to "For the People, By the People"?

A clip with Katie Couric interviewing Sarah Palin came out today.  Seriously, that bitch does not know anything, she couldn't even articulate herself as she was talking to Couric.  As she spoke I could not believe how the nation is letting her be a candidate for VP... WAKE UP!

I am glad I was able to vent... I also want to give kudos to Venezualan President, Hugo Chavez for expelling the American Amabassador this month.  I am proud of Chavez for defending Venezuela and all of Latin America and struggling to preserve it's integrity.  In the time earlier this year, an article came out with a reporter saying "Latin America used to be our third border."  I'm sorry, but Latin America will never belong to Washington.  I hope Chavez continues to tell Hispanic nations to stand up against the bully of the North.  I am aware that Chavez is a little crazy and is starting to violate human rights and freedom of speech, but I am still proud of his courage and determination to rid Venezuela of anything American.  It makes me terribly sad that my country, Costa Rica had to go ahead and sign the Free- Trade Agreement.  Now, American Capitalists are going to suck the country dry of everything it has.  Oscar Arias, the President, may be a Nobel Prize winner, but he needs to realize the big mistake he has made...

And for the record, I am not anti- American. I am anti- capitalism and anti- the current government.

Ok, I'm done.

Disconnected

Dear Readers,

I am currently on my lunch break at school. I am in the college office where it is unusually quiet and very humid. I feel very different from how I felt in the morning... I feel sort of down. Anyway, here is an entry I wrote on Saturday.


Saturday, September 13, 2008


Disconnected is how I currently feel. My laptop isn't working and it isn't home and the internet connection on my desktop computer can hardly work. On my desktop, it can take nearly an hour just for MSN to load. I miss my laptop and cannot wait to have it back in my hands. For now, I shall have to settle with my annoying desktop computer which my step- dad has been promising to fix since the year before. In a few minutes, a feature length film, Coco Chanel is going to premiere on Lifetime so I will be taking a break from writing this to go watch the movie.

So today I went to my Powerscore SAT course beneath the cloudy gray sky that enveloped the city in the morning. As I entered the room I saw other students sitting and waiting. As I was walking to my seat, I heard a chuckle. My insecure self thought someone had said something about me and I squirmed in embarrassment. It took a few minutes for me to realize that it was not about me. A large man with typical Irish characteristics: blue eyes, light pink skin, light blonde hair was on the phone and on his face hung a palpable exasperation. He was speaking on his phone and then hung up. "Alright" he said, and he stood up. He then asked, “Who doesn't have their blue books with them?" I looked around and saw that some students had with them, their blue CollegeBoard Practice SAT books with them while some didn't. My hand quickly rose up and he counted me as one of the seven missing their books. On the first day of this course, Powerscore gave us their own copy of a practice test, but this time they did not. I guess they assumed we would bring along the Collegeboard book next time. Well, they were wrong. A total of twelve students (me included) did not have our books.
“Oh my fucking God, this is colossal.” The Procter said. We all giggled. The guy went ahead and copied fragments of the test at the front desk and handed them out to us when he returned. Most of us stood in class till the 8th section since it was 6PM, the time class was supposed to end. Others stayed to finish the rest of the exam. I walked along 7th avenue while cold drops of rain stung my bare skin, took the 4 train which, for some reason was running on the local 6 train track and arrived home around 7:33 PM.

**********

OMG!!! I am watching Saturday Night Live right now. Michael Phelps is hosting… wow, he’s so gorgeous! He’s very tall too and talks as if there was something in his mouth. Either way, he’s still handsome. You go, Michael! Anyway, there is a commercial break. I saw Coco Chanel by the way and I really liked the movie. Chanel lived with perseverance, never let go of her dream, nor tried to sacrifice it for anything else. I always thought these fashion designers came from wealthy families, I guess I was wrong. Chanel didn’t. She came from a very poor background. Her mother died when she was young and she was sent to a Catholic Boarding school and was told by her father that he would come back for her and her sister. He, of course, did not. Despite all the difficult emotional and financial challenges she went through, her tenacity and talent kept her going. I thought it was an inspiring film so, if you have Lifetime, I highly recommend it. Okay, SNL is back… be back soon!

At the moment, Lil’ Wayne is singing. So, my first official week of school went alright. In my Botany class, we’re already doing a lame project and I feel good when I am in Jessica’s math class. She’s a 23 year old talented math teacher. She never gets tired of helping me and she stays with me till I understand it. Literature class is going well- the course title is called Love and Lust and we are currently discussing the weird character that is Oscar Wao in The Brief and Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao. The word nigger is used a lot in the story and it is disturbing to read sometimes. I hate that the reader isn’t allowed to see into Oscar’s mind. We all have to make our assumptions about Oscar’s motives without really having any proof. We’ll be done with that story this week and then we are going to start on our first book.

In the beginning of the week I was heavily overwhelmed. I had no time for myself and I would always come home late. I am not sure if it was real, but I think I got an anxiety attack and buried my face in a towel to muffle the sounds of me wailing. There is one thing that is constantly on my mind and which constantly hurts me, but I will not reveal that. SAT practice has been annoying. I just cannot understand the math, it ties my mind together and I sit back discouraged saying goodbye to my future. Being discouraged really sucks, the whole world just shuts down for me and negative thoughts come pouring in sucking up the positive thoughts I had left. The uncertainty of everything in the next few months is scaring me. With my terrible math SAT score, I won’t be able to receive the overall SAT score I desire. Those scores mean a lot; they seem to define one’s future… at least in my mind. So many adults tell me, “oh, don’t worry about them- don’t put too much emphasis on those tests.” It is pure bullshit really. Those teachers who tell me all that crap went to great universities because of their great SAT scores. They just talk so I could shut up and they in turn feel better about themselves.

And then on Wednesday I received a call from someone who was disappointed in me. It was a call that totally ruined my evening and the day after and made me think whether or not I wanted to see this person again. That person did not consider why I was canceling… it was so selfish. But, I guess it is payback since I did this before. Anyway, I am tired and sleepy. I will be able to post this on my lunch- break at school on Monday. I hope next week is not stressful as this last one was!